Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bah, Hum-bug!

I hate Christmas.

There, I said it.

Don't get me wrong... I love spending time with family and friends, I love watching C.J. open his gifts, and then play with the boxes. I love eating too much, wondering where we are going to put all of this new cra-... I mean, stuff we will get, looking at the lights, watching football...

I love all that stuff.

But I hate Christmas.

Bah, freaking Hum-bug.

Thursday night/Friday morning, my Wife and I stood in a line at least two-thousand people long (guess which end of it we were in?) outside Toys-R-Us to take advantage of the door buster sales (or get taken advantage of by the door buster sales, as the case may have been.) When we managed to wrestle the things we wanted away from the rest of the mob, we stood in line again, this time for nearly three hours, before we made it to one of the three cash registers to check out.

But, hey... We saved almost $60.00.

Then, we went across town to Kohl's, and repeated the process.

And then at Sears, and Home Depot, and by the time we got to Guitar Center, my Wife was too tired to spend any more time shopping, and we grabbed what we came for, and went home.

She says we saved a lot of money, but it sure seems like there is a lot of money missing from the bank account... I'm starting to question the definition of the term "saving money"...

Friday night we went to the Holiday Festival of Lights on James Island (Which was actually the Holiday festival of Traffic Jam.) More waiting in line, only this time in the car. And it wouldn't have been so bad, except that our car has a leaky heater core, so we saw the lights through a foggy windshield in a cold car that smelled like hot anti-freeze.

And I would get the heater core fixed, except that we spent whatever extra money we might have had on- well, you know what we spent it on.

Bah, Hum-bug.

Today, I was roused from my nap, and told that it was time to put up the Christmas decorations, so I had to get out of my nice warm bed, and climb up onto the very crown of the top of the roof to hang up lights that I will soon have to climb right back up there to take back down.

Sure are pretty, aren't they, Honey?


Interesting footnote about these particular Christmas lights... They are the ones we had last Christmas in Spring Hill. So, I had to store them last year, pack them up and moved them to a storage warehouse in Spring Hill when we moved out of that house, and then bring them to Charleston and store them here, and then find them today and put them up. So these particular lights have not only been in my way for a couple of years now, but I have unpacked and repacked them, carried them up into the attic and back down again, rented storage space for them, rented a truck to haul them in, stumbled over and around them when there was no good place to put them, and now, climbed up on the roof to hang them up today.

The time, effort, money, and dangerous, hard work that would have been saved if they had never existed in the first place is staggering.

And I haven't even started with the Christmas Tree yet. That thing is going to be a monumental pain in the lower apparatus this year.

C.J. is two. The quickest way to get him to constantly bother something until it is completely destroyed is to tell him to leave it alone. I hope he doesn't become a victim of domestic violence because of the Christmas tree, but I don't know. (I can't make any promises about his Mama...)

(Just kidding.)

Anyway, enjoy Christmas while you've got it.

It will be much different after I come to power.

My Christmas policy will be a Birthday cake with "Happy Birthday Jesus" on it, you sing the song, and then watch the game.

No more of this tree-shopping-gift giving-hanging up lights Hogwash.

If you want to celebrate more than that, you can read Luke chapter 2, vs.1-20.

Merry freaking Christmas.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Cover Letter Blues...

Well, Congratulations to me.

I have completed the Airframe and Powerplant Course at National Aviation Academy, completed my FAA written, oral, and practical tests, and am now a certificated and licensed A&P Mechanic.

I have extensive training, a license from the Federal Government, and absolutely no experience.

Which makes me the absolute most dangerous mechanic in the world.

And everyone who hires aircraft mechanics knows that.

So, the trick now is to bamboozle some employer somewhere into believing that I won't screw up bad enough to kill several hundred people and destroy a multi-million dollar aircraft before I actually learn something, and convince him that he should pay me for the priviledge of taking on the risk of letting me come near his facility.

There is almost nothing in the world that I enjoy less than looking for a job. I would rather put on a wet suit and a snorkel and clean chicken heads out of a drain in a processing plant than write a resume, and until I graduated last week, I had never heard of a cover letter.

But I have to write one now.

No project should be undertaken without first doing some research, so I went to my favorite web search engine (Gurgle) and typed in the phrase "aircraft mechanic sample cover letter". I got 496,000 results, and they all linked me to the very same sample, which basically read like this:

Dear Employer:
I used to build model airplanes when I was 12, so now you should hire me to work on your F-18s / 767s / A-380s.
I think my lame resume speaks for itself, and just by looking at it, you should be able to determine how lame I am.
I am looking forward to laming up the joint where you are as soon as possible.
When do I start?
Joe L. Jobseeker (The "L" stands for "Lame".)

So that was a lot of help.

Then I decided to try a few drafts in an environment in which I am fairly comfortable writing... The Blogosphere.

Try these on for size...

Dear Sir:
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to resolve to maintain a more perfect union, establish housekeeping, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common expense, promote staying off Welfare, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle him, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to go get a job...

Nah. Too political.

Okay, check this out...

'Sup, Holmes?
I'm Hone-gray.
I need a J-O-B.
I gots my licenses, I gots my certificates, I gots my work ethic, Yo...
So, the ball's in your court, Dawg...
Hit me up! My digits is on this Resu-mizzay.
Peace out.

Maybe not. Besides, I think one of the other students who graduated with me is pro'lly gone' use that one.

How about this one?

Dear Sir:
I am the greatest.
I am contacting you to make you aware of just how good I am.
I have no doubt that when you realize just how badly you have needed me for the past several years, you will stop at absolutely nothing to get me on your team, and that the mediocrity you have endured from the employees for which you have had to settle to this point can finally be put behind you, and that now, finally, greatness can ensue.
I am looking forward to reviewing your generous offer soon, and I hope that it will adequately meet my requirements.
It is my sincere hope that you and your company will be willing to avail yourselves of the benefits of my greatness, however expensive I may be.

No, too subtle.

Here you go...

Dear Sir:
Out of concern for the state of the Economy and the rising rate of Unemployment, I am attempting to do my part to stamp out poverty and economic hardship in the world, starting here, at home.
I hope that you and your company will join me in this quest by hiring me to work for you.
Together, we can make the world a better place. (For me.)
Tugboatcapn (A Global Citizen.)
(P.S. This letter is printed on recycled paper. Please ignore the grocery list on the back. Thank you.)

No, still doesn't feel quite right...

I don't know.

Maybe if I take a break and go wash the dishes or something, the right words will come to me...

We'll see...

I am open to suggestions...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Home Sweet Home...

I am about to tear my computer down and pack it up, so I decided to write one last post from the happiest place I have ever lived.

My Wife and I have decided that rather than renew the lease on this place and then try to get back out of it in October when I graduate from school, we will move out now, and save the money.

She and CJ will live with her Dad in Atlanta, and I am going underground to my Tugboatcapn Man-Cave/Nut-Bunker in a super-secret location in the bottom of a sink-hole in West-Central Florida. (As soon as I figure out how to get running water there.)

I have been happy here.

I never thought I would live in a house like this one. I thought that houses like this were reserved for millionaires, or at least lawyers and doctors.

It is huge, by my humble standards. It has a pool, an acre of yard, two car garage, attic, Florida room, screened lanai, concrete driveway, and it is landscaped like a golf course. (Except that there is no windmill...) It is more like a vacation cottage than a house that people live in every day. (Again, by my humble standards.)

This has been the Sanctuary through some very trying times over the past two years.

This was where we lived when CJ was born.

This was where the second little Baby Tugboatcapn (who hasn't made his/her debut yet...) was... Well, you know...

(By the way, for those of you who didn't already know, Xena is expecting again. Due in mid January.)

This was where we weathered the storms, mourned the losses, celebrated the victories, made plans, dreamed dreams, raised a child, laughed and cried for the past two years.

It has been a happy place, a safe place.

A good place.

And on Tuesday, it will be an empty place.

I hope the next tennants love it as much as we have.

Because we have loved it.

And I hope that the next place we live will be as happy, as safe, and as good.

Goodbye, Home Sweet Home.

I will miss you.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


My Daddy is a Southern Baptist preacher.

That is the first thing to say when talking about him.

He knows God, and has lived his whole life serving the Lord, leading others to Salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross, which paid the price for all our Sin.

He taught me by example, from my earliest remembrance, how to live for Christ on a level that most people never see. It goes way beyond going to church every Sunday, or paying your tithes, or teaching or even preaching. He showed me how to give my whole life to Christ to be used for His glory, and hold nothing back, because that's what he did.

He is a follower of Christ, but a leader of men. No matter where you put him, he is running things in short order, because everyone with whom he comes in contact recognizes that that is the way things should be.

I'm convinced that there is no task to be done in this whole world that my Daddy could not accomplish, and do a good job at, should he be called upon to do it. He taught me by example that I have the same amount of fingers and toes as anyone else, and if something CAN be done, I can do it.

My Daddy loves my Mama with every particle of his being. He taught me by example that when a woman decides to share her life with you, that is a big, big deal. She is to be protected, respected, loved above all other earthly things, and if you treat her that way, you will forever have a true partner who shares your goals and priorities, and will never betray you in any way.

My Daddy loves his children. He taught me by example that a man is supposed to provide for, lead, guide, and protect his children at all times with all that he has, whether there is anything left over for him or not. I never understood what being a Daddy really was until my son was born, but now I get it.

It's the toughest job you'll ever love.

I pray every day that I will be able to raise my children the way my Daddy showed me.

He gave me a gift that I will never be able to thank him enough for.

He taught me how to be a good, hard working, stable, loving, honest, Christian, happy, grown man.

He taught me how to be Daddy.

I just hope that I will be able to live up to his example.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy!

I love you more than you know.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Defining Definitions Down...

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? - Groucho Marx

You know, I can remember a time when a rainbow was the symbol of God's promise to Noah that He would never again destroy the World due to Man's wickedness by means of a flood.

Now it seems to be a symbol that whoever owns this car/tee-shirt/lunchbox is a homosexual, and everyone else has to be notified.

I also can remember when you could say that someone was a "gay old fella" without alluding to the probability that he didn't really understand basic biology.

But over the last couple of decades, we have re-defined the word "gay", capitalized it, made a noun out of it, and created a whole new subject that everyone is now required to explain to their children, and usually way sooner than they would like to.

And then there's this...

Marriage: The social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc...

Has now become: A relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction (for now): trial marriage; homosexual marriage.

But the people of California (of all places) voted to put the brakes on the redefinition of a word which has meant the same thing since the dawn of Human Society.

From the San Francisco Gate...

California voters legally outlawed same-sex marriage when they approved Proposition 8 in November, but the constitutional amendment did not dissolve the unions of 18,000 gay and lesbian couples who wed before the measure took effect, the state Supreme Court ruled today.

Prop. 8 undid that ruling by reinstating the definition of marriage that the court had struck down, this time as an amendment to the state Constitution. The author of last year's 4-3 decision, Chief Justice Ronald George, said today that the voters were within their rights to do so...

In dissent, Justice Carlos Moreno, who joined the majority in last year's decision, said today's ruling accepted the separate-but-equal treatment for gays and lesbians that the 2008 ruling rejected.
"Granting same-sex couples all of the rights enjoyed by opposite-sex couples, except the right to call their officially recognized and protected family relationship a marriage, still denies them equal treatment," Moreno said.

Actually, it doesn't, because, unless I've missed something here, a gay man has exactly the same right to marry any woman he wants as a straight man does.

If the gay person chooses not to marry someone of the opposite sex, and instead chooses an alternate lifestyle with alternate rules and alternate benefits and alternate challenges, then that is their choice.

In California, anyway.

For better or for worse, the people of California have spoken. The losers - I mean, the minority opinion raised their challenge, and the Court, for once, declined this particular opportunity to play an activist role, and instead just did their job, which was, to determine whether or not the people had made their statement through proper and legal channels.

Which they did.

So, for now, the word "Marriage" still means what it has always meant.

Just like the words "Democracy", and "Freedom".

At least where this issue is concerned.

At least in California.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

When The Going Gets Tough...

The Obamas got going.

WASHINGTON (AP) - On the rockiest day of his young administration, President Barack Obama did what surely made him happy for a while.

He left.

With little notice, the president and first lady Michelle Obama bolted the gated compound of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in their tank of a limousine on Tuesday.
They ended up at a Washington public school, [
reading "My Pet Goat" to] children who could not care less about the collapse of a Cabinet secretary nomination.

The article doesn't say whether or not President Obama explained to the children that his "Economic Stimulus Plan" (if it passes) will conscript them into indentured servitude for the rest of their lives, and that they will never, ever own their own labor...

Or their own pet goat, for that matter. (Unless their Senator can slip a "Pet Goat for America's Children" earmark into some future Emergency Stimulus Bill...)

People are dying in Kentucky, freezing to death in their homes, using their last fleeting ounce of strength to crawl to the window and peer outside, in vain, for a glimpse of FEMA workers who aren't coming.

The Economy is in a shambles, worst Economy in 250 years or more, the middle class losing their jobs, their very livelyhood, by the tens of thousands every day.

The preconditions which stand in the way of negotiations for America's surrender and the subsequent Peace, set by Terrorists and Rogue Nations all over the World, remain unmet.

Communist Healthcare, long lusted after by the VAST majority of America's Losers - uhm, I mean, by the losers of Life's Lottery has suffered a dramatic setback because of unfair Tax Policies (let's see how they work THAT one out...)

And where is President Barack Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho Obama?
Playing with children.

He could have done that without being President.
It's a great day to be an American!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


No matter how weird your idea may be, believe in it and sell it, and it will work.

(At least on some level...)

(By the way, the drummer is great! )

Monday, January 19, 2009



Remember me?

I know it's been a long time since I last posted anything, but I've been kinda busy.

But the truth is that I have actually been much happier these past few weeks just taking care of my own world, and letting the rest of the world continue on it's path into insanity without me. (Since there doesn't seem to be much that I can do about it anyway.)

For those of you who do not already know, I abandoned the Trucking Industry forever in June, and enrolled as a full time student at National Aviation Academy in Clearwater, Fl. I am over a third of the way through my 2000 hours of training, and will soon test for my FAA Airframe and Powerplant Licenses. I also plan to train for and obtain my Avionics License.

When all of this training is complete, I will be qualified to build and maintain any type of aircraft, no matter what size, as well as build and maintain everything from elevators to roller-coasters, or even work in the back shop for a NASCAR team if I want, or maintain any type of industrial machinery that exists in the world.

I'm third in my class (of 52 students). The only people ranked higher than me are two guys who have Helicopter experience from their military service.

I'm working very hard.

I have an incredible Wife who is ridiculously overworked and under-appreciated. Between looking after Caleb, working a full time job, keeping the house, doing her own schoolwork (she's studying for her Master's Degree), and looking after me, she can use my help. She needs me more than the Blogosphere does.

I also have a wonderful little boy who loves to play with his Daddy. He's fourteen months old now, and as busy as three monkeys.

And given my choice, I would much rather show him how the rocking horse works, or how to play with the dog, or get him another Graham Cracker, than argue on the internet with people who think they have already won, and who will not be enlightened, no matter how wrong they are.

And I can actually choose.

So the Blogs have taken a back seat. At least for now.

So (unless I change my mind), while the new President installs Tax Cheats as Treasury Secretary, hideously, sub-humanly ugly morons in charge of dismantling the Energy Industry, unqualified and conflict-of-interest ridden former First Ladies as Secretary of State, and thugs and hoodlums throughout his Staff, you guys will mostly have to sort it all out without me.

Personally, Im busy preparing to take advantage of the up-swing in a couple of years when the Country comes to it's senses again. (It's GOING to happen.)

And in the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my life and my family, and not let the stupidity that has taken over my Country draw me down into the depths of depression.

So, I'll see you around. I have homework to do.