Sunday, January 30, 2011

Crack kills

There is a plague which is wreaking havoc across our nation.

A horrible trend which ruins the lives of everyone who is exposed to it, and it must be stopped.

I see it everywhere I go, from work to church to Wal*Mart, and everywhere in between.

That plague is the plague of Crack.

Not the drug "Crack"...

Butt Crack.

Now, before you start, I don't go around looking at people's butts. I am not a pervert, or a peeper. I am just a normal, regular guy, trying to live in the world, and am cursed with a measure of situational awareness.

I understand the need to be fashionable, and to wear your "Skinny Jeans", "Low Riders", or 'Hip Huggers", or whatever you want to call them, and I know that the trend of saggy, posterior exposing pants and midriff exposing tops is probably here to stay, but I don't have to like it, and I don't have to keep quiet about it.

Nobody wants to see that.

Even if you have the prettiest one in the whole wide world, it's still your butt. Cover it up.

When the preacher gave the invitation this morning, I saw FOUR of them, shining out toward the congregation, right there LITERALLY in front of God and everybody. (Maybe that's why the preacher wanted every head bowed and every eye closed...)

And I cannot believe that these people are unaware that they are displaying four inches of plumber's butt to the world. I know where the waistline of MY pants is, and I know about where the Good Lord split me. If I cannot make the two areas overlap, I tuck in my shirt. (You're welcome.)

I know what to do about it though, and I want you all to join me.

Around my house here, there are about twenty little syringes. They come packaged with children's medicines.

I'm going to start keeping one on my person, filled with Baby Oil.

And when I see exposed Crack, I'm going to squirt Baby Oil right down it.

Maybe by doing that, I can make the crack flashers as aware of their crack as the rest of us are.

Maybe I can get them interested in keeping me from seeing it.

Maybe I can run fast enough while laughing hysterically to keep from getting beaten to death by someone with a slippery exposed crack...

Hmnn... Maybe this plan needs a little more work...

9 comments:

Marshall Art said...

Please report the results of your idea ASAP.

Not so very long ago, I posted my thoughts on the manner in which people dress for Sunday service, that is, how few really go out of their way to wear their "Sunday best". Your butt crack story is another example of just how bad the situation has gotten. There seems to be a growing attitude of "God just wants us to show up" that too many look at church as a come as you are party. Sweats, jeans, tee-shirts, and worse.

Needless to say, some of our more liberal "Christian" friends chastised me roundly as if I was trying to mandate a dress code. One sorry individual actually had the gall to suggest he dresses down out of respect for the less fortunate in the congregation, so as not to make them feel self-conscious. Seems to me that even if that were the case, both parties have the wrong attitude.

However, even in public there seems a great lack of interest in how much of themselves people are willing to expose. Frankly, very few have anything most people really want to see. Butt cracks are among the last.

No reverence in church. No shame or pride anywhere.

Edwin Drood said...

How hard is it to wear to wear an tucked in undershirt.

tugboatcapn said...

Pretty hard, apparently.

The problem is that as a society, we have discontinued the practice of holding ourselves or others to any standards any more, not even, as MA pointed out, at church.

Peer pressure was a wonderful motivator, but it cannot be used anymore because of political correctness.

If I were 11 years old, I might get away with squirting Baby Oil down someone's crack once, but now it technically constitutes assault. (No pun intended.)

So, since I can't hurt someone's feelings, and I can't squirt Baby Oil at them, They are free to show their butt. (Pun absolutely intended.)

Mark said...

I try to ignore them. What can you do?

Mark said...

That reminds me of an old joke.

Seems Oprah was arrested at the airport for trying to smuggle 300 pounds of crack under her dress.

Mark said...

Good to know you're going back to church.

tugboatcapn said...

I found a good one.

Marshall Art said...

Reminds me of a joke, too:

A guy comes home from church with both eyes blackened. His wife is freaked and asks, "What happened to YOU? I thought you were just going to church?"

"I did go to church," he replies.

"Well," she insisted. "How'd you get two black eyes?"

"Well, I was kneeling in church, filled with the spirit of Christian brotherhood and noticed this big lady in front of me with her dress pinched in between her buttcheeks. I thought I'd be a good neighbor and pull the dress out for her. Well, apparently she didn't like that so she turned around a punched me in the eye."

"That accounts for one eye", said the wife. "What about the other?"

"Well", he said. "I figured she must like her dress like that so I pushed it back in."

Anonymous said...

Art, that joke makes even an old woman laugh! mom2