Sunday, August 07, 2005

You Think This Is Funny?!? Well, Do You?!?

I am getting a little tired of politics, and I am not in the mood to argue today, so I will just tell jokes.

A blonde was speeding one day and was pulled over by a cop, who was also a blonde.
The cop approached her car and asked for her driver's license, but after much rummaging through her purse, she couldn't find it.
Finally she said to the cop, "I can't find it. What does it look like?"
"Well, it's square, and it's got your picture on it," replied the cop.
So she plundered around in her purse for another moment, and found a small, square mirror.
"Is this it?"she asked, handing the mirror to the cop.
The police officer took it, looked at it, then handed it back to her.
"You can go," said the officer. "I didn't realize you were a cop!"

A man was driving through a rural area one day, when something passed his car moving at an incredible speed. Curious to know what it was, he sped up until he overtook it, at a speed of almost 100 miles per hour. When he got close enough to identify it, he discovered that it was a chicken.
Only this chicken had three legs.
Suddenly the three legged chicken darted down a driveway and vanished.
The man turned around and went back and followed the driveway down to a small farm. He stopped, got out of his car, and was amazed to see three legged chickens all over the place, darting and streaking around like lightning.
He knocked on the farmhouse door, and was greeted by an old woman wearing an apron.
"I am sorry to bother you, Ma'am," He said,"But I have never seen chickens like these before. They are incredible! I wanted to find out where you got them."
The old woman explained "My husband was a genetic engineer, but gave it up when he inherited this farm. He, and I, and our son all like drumsticks, so someone always got shorted when we had chicken. He genetically engineered one that had three legs to solve the problem."
"That's amazing!" the man cried." How do they taste?"
"We don't know," replied the woman. "We've never caught one..."

A woman went to a psychiatrist, and complained that she thought about sex all the time.
"I can't seem to get enough,"she said. "No matter how often, or how many men I have sex with, I'm never satisfied. I think that I am a nymphomaniac!"
"Well," said the doctor, "I think that I can probably help you. My fee is $80 per hour, paid up front."
"That sounds reasonable," replied the woman. "How much for all night?"

Hope you like 'em.
If you know a better one, feel free to leave it on the comments page.
I love to laugh too!


The WordSmith from Nantucket said...

The first one I've seen in an e-mail forward, and it's a favorite. The other two, well...I kinda saw the punchline coming.

Here's another favorite "dumb blonde" joke:

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he showed the picture to the third blonde and said, in a very testy voice, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?" He quickly added, "And think hard before answering, so you don't say something completely idiotic."

The blonde looked at the picture intently for a moment and said, "Hmmmm...The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman was stunned speechless, because he honestly didn't know whether the suspect wore contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer...Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I'll get back to you on that."

He left the room and went to his office, checked the suspect's file in his computer, and came back beaming.

"Wow!" he said, "I can't believe it...It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! But how were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses, because he only has one eye and one ear."

tugboatcapn said...

That's great, Wordsmith!

I know a bunch of jokes, but not many of them are G-rated. (Truck drivers are sometimes sick people...)

Erudite Redneck said...

Tug, that's MY problem. Mine are rated PG or R!

Francis Lynn said...

okay - 2 blondes on opposite sides of a river. One yells across the river to the other blonde, "How do I get to the other side of the river?" The 2nd blonde yells back, "You are on the other side of the river."

Francis Lynn said...

3 guys die & go to Heaven. St. Peter asks 1st guy if he's ever cheated on his wife. The guy says he's done it quite a few times. St. Peter gives him a used beat-up Chevy & the guy drives off.

St. Peter asks the 2nd guy same question & the guy says he's cheated only twice. St. Peter gives him a slightly used Pontiac & the guy drives off.

St. Peter asks the 3rd guy same question & the guy says he never ever cheated on his wife. St. Peter gives him a brand new fully-loaded Mercedes.

3 days later the 1st two guys see the guy with the Mercedes, but he is unhappy. They ask why he's unhappy, since he got the new car.

He answers, "I just saw my wife go by on a bicycle."

Next lame joke:

Jose crosses the border every day on his bicycle. Every day Border Patrol checks his packages & saddle bags, but find no contraband. Border Patrol is sure Jose is smuggling something, so they intensify their search. But still, each day they find nothing.

This goes on for months, when suddenly Jose stops crossing the border. A year later a Border Agent happens to come across Jose & tells him, "You know, Jose, we checked every day, all your packages, your clothes, everything, because we were so sure you were smuggling something into the country. I guess we were wrong.

Jose answers, "I was smuggling something". Astonished, the Agent asks what he was smuggling & Jose answers, "Bicycles".

tugboatcapn said...

Er, I am thinking that just for this post, I may suspend the "No Profanity" rule.
The main reason that I put it into place was to avoid unnecessary harshness and abusiveness toward myself or my guests.
If you know one that is really funny, but off color or has some language, let'er rip!

tugboatcapn said...

Francis, I like that one too!

Mark said...

OK. this one is for anyone that agrees that our borders are too porous:

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A: Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, or swim are already living in America.

tugboatcapn said...

A man calls home from work.
Maid answers phone.
He says, "Can I speak to my wife?"
She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend."
He says to the maid, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and kill them both."
Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok."
5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the gun?"
He says, "Throw it into the pool, and I'll take care of things when I get home."
She says, "We don't have a pool."
He asks, "No pool? What number is this?"

tugboatcapn said...

A man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.
The bartenders says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy doesn't miss a beat. "This is my seeing-eye dog."
"Oh man," the bartender says, "I'm sorry. Here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog."
The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartenders says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"
The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "WHAT?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Erudite Redneck said...

Best joke I have ever heard, and the only one I can ever remember:



In my pre-Dr. ER days, I made a stripper snort beer through her nose with that one, once. I mean, I heard that that happened once.

My bad.


tugboatcapn said...

How about this for a sick joke?

What's the best thing about showering with a 12 year old girl?

If you tuck her hair back just right, she looks like she's 9!

Disclaimer: I am not a pedophile, nor a pervert, I only heard a sick joke once (or twice...)

Erudite Redneck said...

Smackdown! Dude,l I never thought I'd hear a joke more perverted than a, um, chickenlover crossin' the road! I surrender! You win! :-)

Oh, wait. I think I can improve on it. Make it "What's the best thing about showering with yer 12 year old sister ... ?"

Whoa. We bad.

tugboatcapn said...

I love it!!
An old classic improved by a little bi-partisan team work!!
This is GREAT!! Good job, ER...

Erudite Redneck said...

LOLOL, and with that, and "Red Dawn" -- EXCELLENT Cold War flick - -fixin' to wrap up on the TEEvee, I'm headin' to bed.

tugboatcapn said...

Well, then G'night, ER.
See ya t'morrow...

Erudite Redneck said...

OK, so you're in a shower with a pullet ... that yer kin to ...

Hoo hoo! A little agrisexual humor! ha!